so today was a monday. just like most other mondays, nothing special, unless of course you realize that each day is special and precious in it's own way. but that is not what i'm here to talk about. today was the monday that i was to make the one hour drive to get my windshield replaced. it had randomly cracked one wintery morning. i started my car to warm up before driving to church and left it run for about 15 minutes. when i came back i turned the wipers on and "pop"! the windshield just cracked! obviously i wasn't happy, but i put off getting it fixed. i found out my insurance wouldn't pay for it, so i started looking for the best deal. after a couple quotes in the $260 range i found one that quoated $190 and took it.
anyway, i'm headed south to the city and my mind is wandering somewhere when i notice a large dark animal walk to the ditch. a dog i thought at first, but as it stepped onto the road i saw it was a moose. a moose. THAT'S A MOOSE!!! it took me a few moments to actually see what was walking ahead of me across the road. it got across the road before i got very close to stare at it as that is what i would have done, but it was still exciting. it however made me wonder what kind of sites i have missed by only moments while driving or whatever. if i had been a little faster or slower, what i might have been able to see. thinking about it now, i wonder how many things we miss in life because we are moving to fast or slow to see those moments cross our paths.
i spent the next 50 min almost pushing the speed limit in an effort to get to the shop by my 11:00 appointment. but i made it, with about 3 minutes to spare. fortunately there was a sporting goods store across the street so i could entertain myself for the next hour. unfortunately i found nothing of use to me in the store. so i wandered the strip mall instead.
walking past the door to a verizon wireless store, a man a little smaller and older than me called me in. he had short blonde hair that was done up to look "spikey" but presentable, and a well trimmed beard. "what kind of music do you listen to?" he asked. thinking i was being set up for a phone offer i responded that i listened to most anything. he then informed me that by day he was . . . (unfortuneatly i forgot his name) but by night he was "pop a pill." serious, that's what he called himself. he was a rap and hip hop artist trying to make his way into the mainstream against a rather conservative and Christian lifestyle in montana. he offered me a cd and had an mp3 player for me to listen to the music. i will say that i am not a big fan of the rap or hip hop scene, not that i hate it, but it's just not for me. but i will also say that he was pretty good, the next big time white rapper if he would be in the right place and given the right oppurtunity. unfortuneatly for him, that kind of music is not allowed where i work, and i don't like the profanity that much if it, including his songs, contain. the one high point of his album was a song in which he brought up the point that people walk around like God is dead. it was interesting to listen to as it made many points of how people don't seem to care about each other as long as they themselves can get ahead. and how satan is taking snapshots of our minds when we are at our worst. though a through provoking song, it too contained profanity, and not wanting the profane lyrics, i declined his offer.
once i got my car back i continued on to other stores with the hope of finding a good pair of hiking boots and a specific kind of fishing rod and reel, and if at all possible a climbing harness. the next store, of course being another sporting goods store, had lots of offer, but only only reached to me on the rod and reel. not to expensive, but should be plenty effective for the large fish that will hopefully find their way into the frying pan or onto the grill.
further on i found the rocky mountain outfitter. now here was a treat. boats, clothes, tents, hiking gear, climbing gear. they had it all, but i was only looking for one thing. the climbing harness. a sales attendant asked if i was looking for something and after telling him he showed me some new harnesses that had just come in. a brand i had never heard of before, but, as i later found out, had been around since the late 1800's. trying on the harness i felt a little weird sliding my jeans through the leg loops looking like i was trying on a pair of underwear over my pants. fortuneatly no one else was in the store. but they had a rope i could hang from in the harness and i was impressed, extremely impressed by the comfort of this harness. and the quality was very nice as well. i tried on several others, all of which i knew their brand name, but nothing compared. i had found the harness.
further down the road i found another store, yes again, another sporting goods store. i wandered around for a while just passing the time, looking at paddles and arrows, seeing how much their very small assortment of climbing gear cost, seeing if i had found a good deal on the rod and reel earlier which i had, before ending at the shoe department. i tried on several boots and found a pair that fit well as was comfortable. however, knowing that this store was overpriced i found some excuse not to get them, with every intention of going online later, which i have not yet done, and seeing if could find them cheaper.
all in all it was a fun day. i got back and had many good conversations with friends from various parts of the country. mondays aren't so bad after all. actually no day is really bad, it just depends on what you do with what you are giving.
Monday, April 27, 2009
Sunday, April 12, 2009
love (final part)
~"I LOVE YOU!" it all happened in a moment. the Father shouted to His Son, and His Son shouted back. angels attended to the Son and the earth rejoiced in all that it could. the tomb burst forth with the intense and growing light and love streaming from the man inside. the soldiers outside were terrified and in awe, astounded by the immense stone moving on its own, forced aside by the blinding radiance flowing from behind it. He got up and walked. He who was dead but is now alive. He who was destroyed but was again made whole. He who is love. The Father reached down and brought life back to His Son, and rejoiced.
Tears streamed forth, but this time they were not tears of pain and sadness, but joy. immense joy. joy so strong that nothing else mattered. so strong that nothing could contain it, and all thoughts and actions of restraint and normalcy would be lost. and He stepped out of the tomb. love permeated from Him and affected all it touched. the air was sweeter, the sky brighter, the birds sang sweeter, the flowers lovelier. somewhere the lion was laying down with the lamb in peace. all creation rejoiced at the reappearance of its Creator. and He walked. He lives. He loves. and nothing, not even death can stop it. not now, not ever, but it will be love and life now and forever, for all. "I love You Father!" the Son cries out. He looked around and sees the earth, the men who fainted in terror. in His mind he sees the kingdoms great and small, the people from the greatest to the least. "these are My people, and I love them. I love them, and they are mine! They are mine and I love them! they are beautiful Father, thank You for them. I will not lose those that I love, and I love them all!" then He addressed the world, "I LOVE YOU!"~
you return from the market to the house where you have been staying. you agreed to go into the city and buy food for the people who were still there, wondering when you yourself would leave. so much had happened the past few days, and you understood very little of it.
you had awaken to tremors that shook the house. "the earth still crying out," you thought. but something was different. the air was sweeter, the sky brighter, the birds songs happier, the flowers even looked lovelier. it seemed more joyous than sad, more at peace. you even imagined somewhere in all this a lion laying down with a lamb, and you laughed at yourself.
laughed. the first bit of joy you've felt the past two days. maybe it was the world around you making you feel happier, or maybe you were starting to recover, which you did not know, and the happiness you did not understand, but there was something there. with this better disposition you agreed to take some money and buy the food, the food that you now brought back for the evening meal.
outside the door stand a few of the people staying at the house, animated if not excited about something. hoping for good news you rush to the door to see what is happening. "what's going on?" you ask. "it's empty! the tomb is empty! someone stole His body." one of the men replies angrily. "but what about mary, and peter and john?" says the another. "mary says she saw Him, saw Him alive! walking, talking with her, to her." "and peter and john said that the angels said He was alive." says a third man. "i don't know what to believe," says the first. "after what we saw, how could anyone be alive?"
having had enough of their arguements you rush inside dropping the food on a table then search for mary or john. but you can't find either of them, not even peter. "where are mary, peter, and john?" you ask a woman you see enter from another door. "they left, said something about telling the rest of Jesus' disciples that He's alive. see, i knew He couldn't die! God can't die!"
if you thought it was confusing before, you found a whole new level. extreme confusion mixed with impatience and a touch of madness wanting to know if He was really alive, or just a cruel trick. sad and depressed thoughts crept into your mind like cold black fingers, telling you that it was just a cruel trick, a lie to bring out all His followers to arrest them as well. that everything was a lie, a hoax, even the thoughts that had invaded your mind when you looked into the eyes of Jesus.
the eyes of Jesus. that had been real, it had been real! those dead black fingers tried to tighten their grip but it was too late. you shook the thoughts out of your mind, and you desperately wanted it to be true, that He was alive, and walk, and that He really did love you.
people started to filter into the house and a few took the food you brought and began to prepare it. conversations abounded about what was true and what wasn't. some said Jesus had prophesied all this, but confusion and excitment still filled the room. many people were there now, even mary and john, and peter, you catch a glimpse of him headed to an upstairs room, obviously excited, a light practily shining from his face. you try to get to mary and john, but people have crowded so tightly around them that you can't get in to see or hear. you give up and recline to a seat at the table, trying to be patient for your turn.
soon the food came was was passed around, and it was good. something about the food even tasted better, like the first time you had ever eaten it, even though you knew you had eaten this food before. the candles were now lit as the sky began to give way to evening. you lean back and take a drink, closing your eyes to enjoy this moment of happiness. "i love you." your eyes snap open and your cup falls from your hand spilling all over the floor. you know that voice, you've heard that voice, that voice that says, "i love you." and the voice that means it. did you just hear it, or was it really said?
at a glance you see that no one is talking, but staring to the side. you turn and remember that the door was locked and you don't remember hearing that someone came in. then you see Him, standing there, standing . . . there! He looked nothing like the bloodied destroyed man from the cross, but healthy, fully alive and well. "don't be afraid," He says. "it is Me, I'm alive, come see."
you want to burst from your chair and wrap your arms around Him, to hug Him and be hugged in return, to feel that love again. but you can't. you are frozen in awe. could this really be? a few people run to Him, hug Him, are hugged by Him. a reunion. not a reunion like what you've been to welcoming friends who had been gone for a while. Jesus had only been gone for what, three days? that's not long at all, but He was more than gone, He was dead, and dead was forever. but He was here! He was not dead! He was standing there, the man who had seen into your soul, your dirty filthy soul and said, "I love you." finally you get up and walk over to Him, slowly, not sure what to expect. He never officially met you, not in your reality anyway.
He turns and sees you coming. tears and love are flowing from His eyes, and He calls you by your name. "come here," He says to you, buy with your name. He knows your name! this is real! you can't take it any more and you throw yourself at Him, collapsing and pile of slobbering tears as you reach Him. the most joyous laughter reaches your ears, laughter too beautiful even for angels to make, and strong hands reach under your shoulders and lifts you up. face to face you see Him now, see the best you can from the cascade of tears you are crying. and through your tears you see He is crying, and a small laugh comes through you. then a bigger laugh, though you don't know why you are laughing. He laughs back, that amazing beautiful laugh. laughter spreads throughout the room and joy, pure joy flows through and fills the room, threatening to burst the walls from the house.
you see Him reach out to you, wanting to hug you. you see the holes where the nails were and hesitate. He laughs again, "don't worry, they don't hurt anymore. there is no pain anymore, only joy and happiness. I love you." you reach out and hug Him in return. every horrible thought, feeling and fear, every bad thing you have ever known or felt it gone, vanished in the touch and loving embrace of this Man, this Man who is more than a Man, who was dead, but now is alive, is alive! you feel your whole body shaking with excitement. you had been looking for a party or some kind of entertainment when you first came to Jerusulem, but you found something so much more, so much better, rather it found you, and you don't care! it's amazing, it's amazing, it's LOVE!
Jesus leans back and wipes the tears from your face, though more tears fell in their place. "i love you," He says again to you. then He turns to the group. "I love you!" He says. "and nothing can stop that love. do you love Me?" a few unjointed "yes's" come from the group. "do you love Me?" He asks again. more yes's mixed with "i love you's" and crying. "do you love Me?!" He cries out. the crowd erupts in joy and song, all saying in their own way how much they love Him. "I love you," He says again. "and nothing can stop that love. don't you see? not even death can stop Me from loving you. I have beaten death, and My love is stronger, and you know My love. I have beaten all this is evil! none of it can stop My love for you. you are Mine, and I will always love you!"
still crying and laughing you drink in each word that Jesus says. you never want to forget any of the words or this feeling. there is no fear, no confusion, no guilt anymore. none of it matters, it is gone. for all there is, all you can think about, all you can look to is Jesus. He did it, He did something that made it all go away. you are not sure how, but you don't care because it's done, and He loves you. this love, the love He said that could not be stopped, not by you, not by someone else, not by fear or sadness, not by hatred or even the greatest evil out there. this love. the love flowing from Jesus, this love. this love. this love.
Tears streamed forth, but this time they were not tears of pain and sadness, but joy. immense joy. joy so strong that nothing else mattered. so strong that nothing could contain it, and all thoughts and actions of restraint and normalcy would be lost. and He stepped out of the tomb. love permeated from Him and affected all it touched. the air was sweeter, the sky brighter, the birds sang sweeter, the flowers lovelier. somewhere the lion was laying down with the lamb in peace. all creation rejoiced at the reappearance of its Creator. and He walked. He lives. He loves. and nothing, not even death can stop it. not now, not ever, but it will be love and life now and forever, for all. "I love You Father!" the Son cries out. He looked around and sees the earth, the men who fainted in terror. in His mind he sees the kingdoms great and small, the people from the greatest to the least. "these are My people, and I love them. I love them, and they are mine! They are mine and I love them! they are beautiful Father, thank You for them. I will not lose those that I love, and I love them all!" then He addressed the world, "I LOVE YOU!"~
you return from the market to the house where you have been staying. you agreed to go into the city and buy food for the people who were still there, wondering when you yourself would leave. so much had happened the past few days, and you understood very little of it.
you had awaken to tremors that shook the house. "the earth still crying out," you thought. but something was different. the air was sweeter, the sky brighter, the birds songs happier, the flowers even looked lovelier. it seemed more joyous than sad, more at peace. you even imagined somewhere in all this a lion laying down with a lamb, and you laughed at yourself.
laughed. the first bit of joy you've felt the past two days. maybe it was the world around you making you feel happier, or maybe you were starting to recover, which you did not know, and the happiness you did not understand, but there was something there. with this better disposition you agreed to take some money and buy the food, the food that you now brought back for the evening meal.
outside the door stand a few of the people staying at the house, animated if not excited about something. hoping for good news you rush to the door to see what is happening. "what's going on?" you ask. "it's empty! the tomb is empty! someone stole His body." one of the men replies angrily. "but what about mary, and peter and john?" says the another. "mary says she saw Him, saw Him alive! walking, talking with her, to her." "and peter and john said that the angels said He was alive." says a third man. "i don't know what to believe," says the first. "after what we saw, how could anyone be alive?"
having had enough of their arguements you rush inside dropping the food on a table then search for mary or john. but you can't find either of them, not even peter. "where are mary, peter, and john?" you ask a woman you see enter from another door. "they left, said something about telling the rest of Jesus' disciples that He's alive. see, i knew He couldn't die! God can't die!"
if you thought it was confusing before, you found a whole new level. extreme confusion mixed with impatience and a touch of madness wanting to know if He was really alive, or just a cruel trick. sad and depressed thoughts crept into your mind like cold black fingers, telling you that it was just a cruel trick, a lie to bring out all His followers to arrest them as well. that everything was a lie, a hoax, even the thoughts that had invaded your mind when you looked into the eyes of Jesus.
the eyes of Jesus. that had been real, it had been real! those dead black fingers tried to tighten their grip but it was too late. you shook the thoughts out of your mind, and you desperately wanted it to be true, that He was alive, and walk, and that He really did love you.
people started to filter into the house and a few took the food you brought and began to prepare it. conversations abounded about what was true and what wasn't. some said Jesus had prophesied all this, but confusion and excitment still filled the room. many people were there now, even mary and john, and peter, you catch a glimpse of him headed to an upstairs room, obviously excited, a light practily shining from his face. you try to get to mary and john, but people have crowded so tightly around them that you can't get in to see or hear. you give up and recline to a seat at the table, trying to be patient for your turn.
soon the food came was was passed around, and it was good. something about the food even tasted better, like the first time you had ever eaten it, even though you knew you had eaten this food before. the candles were now lit as the sky began to give way to evening. you lean back and take a drink, closing your eyes to enjoy this moment of happiness. "i love you." your eyes snap open and your cup falls from your hand spilling all over the floor. you know that voice, you've heard that voice, that voice that says, "i love you." and the voice that means it. did you just hear it, or was it really said?
at a glance you see that no one is talking, but staring to the side. you turn and remember that the door was locked and you don't remember hearing that someone came in. then you see Him, standing there, standing . . . there! He looked nothing like the bloodied destroyed man from the cross, but healthy, fully alive and well. "don't be afraid," He says. "it is Me, I'm alive, come see."
you want to burst from your chair and wrap your arms around Him, to hug Him and be hugged in return, to feel that love again. but you can't. you are frozen in awe. could this really be? a few people run to Him, hug Him, are hugged by Him. a reunion. not a reunion like what you've been to welcoming friends who had been gone for a while. Jesus had only been gone for what, three days? that's not long at all, but He was more than gone, He was dead, and dead was forever. but He was here! He was not dead! He was standing there, the man who had seen into your soul, your dirty filthy soul and said, "I love you." finally you get up and walk over to Him, slowly, not sure what to expect. He never officially met you, not in your reality anyway.
He turns and sees you coming. tears and love are flowing from His eyes, and He calls you by your name. "come here," He says to you, buy with your name. He knows your name! this is real! you can't take it any more and you throw yourself at Him, collapsing and pile of slobbering tears as you reach Him. the most joyous laughter reaches your ears, laughter too beautiful even for angels to make, and strong hands reach under your shoulders and lifts you up. face to face you see Him now, see the best you can from the cascade of tears you are crying. and through your tears you see He is crying, and a small laugh comes through you. then a bigger laugh, though you don't know why you are laughing. He laughs back, that amazing beautiful laugh. laughter spreads throughout the room and joy, pure joy flows through and fills the room, threatening to burst the walls from the house.
you see Him reach out to you, wanting to hug you. you see the holes where the nails were and hesitate. He laughs again, "don't worry, they don't hurt anymore. there is no pain anymore, only joy and happiness. I love you." you reach out and hug Him in return. every horrible thought, feeling and fear, every bad thing you have ever known or felt it gone, vanished in the touch and loving embrace of this Man, this Man who is more than a Man, who was dead, but now is alive, is alive! you feel your whole body shaking with excitement. you had been looking for a party or some kind of entertainment when you first came to Jerusulem, but you found something so much more, so much better, rather it found you, and you don't care! it's amazing, it's amazing, it's LOVE!
Jesus leans back and wipes the tears from your face, though more tears fell in their place. "i love you," He says again to you. then He turns to the group. "I love you!" He says. "and nothing can stop that love. do you love Me?" a few unjointed "yes's" come from the group. "do you love Me?" He asks again. more yes's mixed with "i love you's" and crying. "do you love Me?!" He cries out. the crowd erupts in joy and song, all saying in their own way how much they love Him. "I love you," He says again. "and nothing can stop that love. don't you see? not even death can stop Me from loving you. I have beaten death, and My love is stronger, and you know My love. I have beaten all this is evil! none of it can stop My love for you. you are Mine, and I will always love you!"
still crying and laughing you drink in each word that Jesus says. you never want to forget any of the words or this feeling. there is no fear, no confusion, no guilt anymore. none of it matters, it is gone. for all there is, all you can think about, all you can look to is Jesus. He did it, He did something that made it all go away. you are not sure how, but you don't care because it's done, and He loves you. this love, the love He said that could not be stopped, not by you, not by someone else, not by fear or sadness, not by hatred or even the greatest evil out there. this love. the love flowing from Jesus, this love. this love. this love.
Saturday, April 11, 2009
confusion (part 5)
sunlight through the cracks in the covered window awaken you. you don't remember what time you went to sleep but it was early in the morning. last night you found the house where other followers of Jesus congregated. together you questioned, cried, raged about what had just happened. you felt a deep sympathy for many of them. during the night you heard how some had been called to follow him from the beginning, three years ago, and they left everything and did. others told of how Jesus healed them, or they were touched by his compassion and love for them or others, or inspired by the stories he told. other still were amazed at how he told of a God who loved them and wanted to know more about this God.
but now it was all over. rousing yourself you wobble downstairs for something to eat. there would be plenty of leftovers. the host had prepared much food, but no body really felt like eating. entering the room you see people laying all over sleeping, and a small group in the corner discussing, crying, and consoling each other. the whole household was quiet, hoping that the romans wouldn't come after them next, and if they did, hoping this place could hide them.
grabbing a bite of food you head over to the group in the corner, then turn back to grab some for them as well hoping this offering may lighten their hearts. they are thankful for the food and pass the dish around for everyone. you recognize a few of them, one is the man you talked to at the cross, named john you found out the night before. you also learned that the women with him was the mary, the mother of Jesus.
they told you of many of the miracles and teachings Jesus told them while with them. stories that stung your soul. stories of love and mercy that added to the confusion. everyone was filled with shock and sadness. they thought that Jesus would change things. they didn't know how he would change them, but hoped he would. he even said he would, but now it seems it was a lost fairy tale, ended before it should have been. there were even a few moments of laughter the previous night as they recounted tales of the joy and fun they had together. they spoke of a time when little children want to come to Jesus, but they foolishly turned them away, and Jesus rebuked them. they laughed at it now, but you are sure they felt horrible then. there was crying as someone informed the rest of the group that the disciple who had betrayed Jesus had hung himself. he was a close friend to many of them, even if he had betrayed their teacher. the rumor was he felt so bad that he took back the blood money and left crying.
wearily you shake your head hoping to wake through the fog in your mind. so much had happened in such a short time. your contributions to last nights conversations had been mostly questions, but for a brief moment people were riveted to you as you told how Jesus invaded your mind with his thoughts of love. some people cried, some smiled, others seemed to not believe you, but you didn't care. you experienced it.
you hear a bird outside. the first sign that the outside world was not destroyed last night. your mind drifts to scenes of the day before. how it started when you were only hoping to meet some local culture. the pendant at the market, the roar of the crowd, a man washing his hands, the blood spattering the soldiers as they beat Jesus, the cries and screams of men in pain, the sadness in the eyes of Jesus, the thoughts of love he put in your mind, the terror of the earth roaring in pain, the strange darkness, the soldier who said he was the son of God.
the son of God. you believed now. anybody who can see all the junk you have done in your life and still love you is either crazy of a loving God. you had never really cared about religion before. but when you found that "religion" cared for you, a whole new world was opened before you.
unfortunately it is a world of mass confusion. why would a loving God allow this to happen? especially to His son. why would they crucify a man who did nothing but show love and mercy to those who rarely saw it? who lifted people up? who spoke of love and forgiveness? who healed and helped? and now he's dead. it's all so confusing. someone recited some passage about who is there who can understand the mind of God. you definatly don't understand, and if God does know what He's doing, you wish to be given a little insight. a glimpse of the love and knowledge that everything will be ok. but for now you know only chaos and confusion.
the many next to you taps your arm and you come back to the group. he's offering you more food, which you take with a slight disinterest. what does it all mean? does it mean anything at all? a few moments here changed your life, and nothing will be the same. but what do you do from here? what do you do from here?
but now it was all over. rousing yourself you wobble downstairs for something to eat. there would be plenty of leftovers. the host had prepared much food, but no body really felt like eating. entering the room you see people laying all over sleeping, and a small group in the corner discussing, crying, and consoling each other. the whole household was quiet, hoping that the romans wouldn't come after them next, and if they did, hoping this place could hide them.
grabbing a bite of food you head over to the group in the corner, then turn back to grab some for them as well hoping this offering may lighten their hearts. they are thankful for the food and pass the dish around for everyone. you recognize a few of them, one is the man you talked to at the cross, named john you found out the night before. you also learned that the women with him was the mary, the mother of Jesus.
they told you of many of the miracles and teachings Jesus told them while with them. stories that stung your soul. stories of love and mercy that added to the confusion. everyone was filled with shock and sadness. they thought that Jesus would change things. they didn't know how he would change them, but hoped he would. he even said he would, but now it seems it was a lost fairy tale, ended before it should have been. there were even a few moments of laughter the previous night as they recounted tales of the joy and fun they had together. they spoke of a time when little children want to come to Jesus, but they foolishly turned them away, and Jesus rebuked them. they laughed at it now, but you are sure they felt horrible then. there was crying as someone informed the rest of the group that the disciple who had betrayed Jesus had hung himself. he was a close friend to many of them, even if he had betrayed their teacher. the rumor was he felt so bad that he took back the blood money and left crying.
wearily you shake your head hoping to wake through the fog in your mind. so much had happened in such a short time. your contributions to last nights conversations had been mostly questions, but for a brief moment people were riveted to you as you told how Jesus invaded your mind with his thoughts of love. some people cried, some smiled, others seemed to not believe you, but you didn't care. you experienced it.
you hear a bird outside. the first sign that the outside world was not destroyed last night. your mind drifts to scenes of the day before. how it started when you were only hoping to meet some local culture. the pendant at the market, the roar of the crowd, a man washing his hands, the blood spattering the soldiers as they beat Jesus, the cries and screams of men in pain, the sadness in the eyes of Jesus, the thoughts of love he put in your mind, the terror of the earth roaring in pain, the strange darkness, the soldier who said he was the son of God.
the son of God. you believed now. anybody who can see all the junk you have done in your life and still love you is either crazy of a loving God. you had never really cared about religion before. but when you found that "religion" cared for you, a whole new world was opened before you.
unfortunately it is a world of mass confusion. why would a loving God allow this to happen? especially to His son. why would they crucify a man who did nothing but show love and mercy to those who rarely saw it? who lifted people up? who spoke of love and forgiveness? who healed and helped? and now he's dead. it's all so confusing. someone recited some passage about who is there who can understand the mind of God. you definatly don't understand, and if God does know what He's doing, you wish to be given a little insight. a glimpse of the love and knowledge that everything will be ok. but for now you know only chaos and confusion.
the many next to you taps your arm and you come back to the group. he's offering you more food, which you take with a slight disinterest. what does it all mean? does it mean anything at all? a few moments here changed your life, and nothing will be the same. but what do you do from here? what do you do from here?
Friday, April 10, 2009
torture (part 4)
you've stood there for hours watching this scene of torture, wondering what must be going through that man's mind. he has hung on that cross most of the day, slowly dying, scanning the crowd. you're eyes have not met since he was being nailed down, but you're not sure you would want them to. sadness has filled your body, sadness is the word you use though it's more like a suffering depression.
the crowd has stopped their jeering, apparently satisfied that their wishes have been carried out. but now there is a stillness in the air, as the crowd begins to see the reality of it's mob mentality, begins to see that man suffering, nailed to the cross.
~he scans the crowd, meeting peoples eyes, but he is too weak for another connection. "i love you," is mumbled from his lips on occasion, scarcely more than a gasp of wheeze for air. his weakness has began to suffocate him, unable to hold himself up, he has been sagging, slowly squeezing his chest, lungs unable to gain the oxygen they so desperately desire. each person he looks into unknowingly increases his pain and sorrow as their hurts, sadness, guilt, offenses, are piled onto his soul.
"oh the sorrow that you feel," he thinks. "my beloved, why do you hurt so? look! look at me! i'm fixing it. it can all go away. look at me!"
he glanced to a woman in the crowd. she looked like everyone else, but he immediately saw her secrets, the things she was hiding. he saw through it all, to her deepest hurt. he wanted to rush down and hug her, tell her, "i don't care what you did with those men. i love you!" he turns to a man and sees how he cheated his neighbor out of pay. another man who killed a woman. a woman who was caught up in alcohol and could not escape.
and then he knew it was time. the most horrible feeling imaginable and then more attacked his body. enough pain, enough torment, enough sadness, guilt, sorrow, enough of all the evil and bad things in the world to kill every man, woman, and child, and it attacked him. he saw the wicked ways of men and women being destroyed by a massive flood, the terror afflicted upon families as soldiers took their baby sons and threw them in a river. the sadness of hearing your entire family is dead and all your possesions stolen. the guilt of a teenage girl telling her parents she is pregnant, the wrath handed out by an angry parent, the evil of many men trying to wipe out entire communities and cultures. he saw men and women who had not yet been born cheat and be cheated by companies, the pain they inflict on others for joy, children who have innocence taken from them, rapes, murders, thefts, and all manners of terror and evil. from emperors who would try to wipe out his legacy with gladiators and beasts to the little child who takes a pack of gum from the store. from the most evil to the most holy he sees them all. all their pain, all their guilt, all their suffering, all their sin. and all this sin is heaped upon him. in the agony he looks towards the heavens and cries for his Father. "please don't leave me!" is shouted through his mind. "i love You, and i love them."
"you are My son, and I love you." is the answer he hears. "and I love them." he looks and sees his Father staring back at him, and he sees the holiness shining from his Father's face. he feels intense shame and guilt for possessing the sins of every person in the crowd, every person who has lived and will live, the sins of the world. and it made him filthy. "Father, i love You!" "I love you son. and I love them." the wicked filth of the world is overpowering. the feelings turn to a foul smell to his nose, and a horrible taste in his mouth. every muscle and bone in his body screams in agony, and his heart can hardly beat with the pressure of it all.
the holiness of the Father's face begins to change, and anger starts to come out. the son sees the Father begin to turn, to turn His back on His own son. "Father! I love You! Why do You do this to me?" his mind screams out. but he knows it must be done. the anger becomes stronger mixed with wrath, and a ripping feeling. the feeling of having his Father's Spirit removed from him. God was turning His back on him, taking His presence from him, leaving him completely alone to feel the full wrath for the wrongs of the world.
tears stream down his face, and the Father is filled with sadness, knowing that all His wrath and anger must fall upon His own son. "I love you son, and I love them!" "i love You Father, and i love them!" and it was unleashed. there is no way to describe how this man felt. his own Father, his own being, the One who was always there to listen and help, who showed love and mercy and gave blessings, took it all away. turned away. alienated Himself from His son . . . from Himself. the saddest moment time would ever know was happening, and it was fierce.
"it is finished!" said the man, and he hung is head. and God cried out.~
the crowd was now focused on the man in the middle. you strain to hear his words, trying to understand what is going through this man's mind in his dying moments, if there was some bit of wisdom he yet might have. you hear the words, "it is finished," and saw the man's head drop. and then it felt like the world might end.
the stillness in the air was suddenly gone, filled with a horrible static, not that it could be seen but rather felt, and it felt bad. the ground began to shake and roar, like it was crying out in pain and sorrow. the black sky shows no signs of hope despite the fact that it is the middle of the afternoon. the whole world is writhing in some horrible pain and sadness. rocks around you crack and crumble. you imagine buildings in the city crumbling and crashing, and then it stills.
nearby a soldier gets back up and stares at the man on the cross, Jesus. "this man surely was God's son, just as He claimed." it hits you like bolt of lightning. it was more than you could have hoped for, the son of God told you that he loved you. it makes sense, except it doesn't. you see now his love and joy for each person, how he got into your mind. but why die? that made no sense.
you run towards the front of the crowd to find a man and women that Jesus was talking to earlier. frantically you search and finally find them. crying they listen to you tell them your experience, and they tell you to go. that it isn't safe, that the soldiers might come for you and them next. "but i need to talk to you!" you say anxiously filled with sadness. they tell you meet them at someone's house later that night. thankful you say your goodbyes and slip away, not sure who they even were. thankful that when you get a chance to talk, you hope to clear up some of the confusion that is now tormenting you.
the crowd has stopped their jeering, apparently satisfied that their wishes have been carried out. but now there is a stillness in the air, as the crowd begins to see the reality of it's mob mentality, begins to see that man suffering, nailed to the cross.
~he scans the crowd, meeting peoples eyes, but he is too weak for another connection. "i love you," is mumbled from his lips on occasion, scarcely more than a gasp of wheeze for air. his weakness has began to suffocate him, unable to hold himself up, he has been sagging, slowly squeezing his chest, lungs unable to gain the oxygen they so desperately desire. each person he looks into unknowingly increases his pain and sorrow as their hurts, sadness, guilt, offenses, are piled onto his soul.
"oh the sorrow that you feel," he thinks. "my beloved, why do you hurt so? look! look at me! i'm fixing it. it can all go away. look at me!"
he glanced to a woman in the crowd. she looked like everyone else, but he immediately saw her secrets, the things she was hiding. he saw through it all, to her deepest hurt. he wanted to rush down and hug her, tell her, "i don't care what you did with those men. i love you!" he turns to a man and sees how he cheated his neighbor out of pay. another man who killed a woman. a woman who was caught up in alcohol and could not escape.
and then he knew it was time. the most horrible feeling imaginable and then more attacked his body. enough pain, enough torment, enough sadness, guilt, sorrow, enough of all the evil and bad things in the world to kill every man, woman, and child, and it attacked him. he saw the wicked ways of men and women being destroyed by a massive flood, the terror afflicted upon families as soldiers took their baby sons and threw them in a river. the sadness of hearing your entire family is dead and all your possesions stolen. the guilt of a teenage girl telling her parents she is pregnant, the wrath handed out by an angry parent, the evil of many men trying to wipe out entire communities and cultures. he saw men and women who had not yet been born cheat and be cheated by companies, the pain they inflict on others for joy, children who have innocence taken from them, rapes, murders, thefts, and all manners of terror and evil. from emperors who would try to wipe out his legacy with gladiators and beasts to the little child who takes a pack of gum from the store. from the most evil to the most holy he sees them all. all their pain, all their guilt, all their suffering, all their sin. and all this sin is heaped upon him. in the agony he looks towards the heavens and cries for his Father. "please don't leave me!" is shouted through his mind. "i love You, and i love them."
"you are My son, and I love you." is the answer he hears. "and I love them." he looks and sees his Father staring back at him, and he sees the holiness shining from his Father's face. he feels intense shame and guilt for possessing the sins of every person in the crowd, every person who has lived and will live, the sins of the world. and it made him filthy. "Father, i love You!" "I love you son. and I love them." the wicked filth of the world is overpowering. the feelings turn to a foul smell to his nose, and a horrible taste in his mouth. every muscle and bone in his body screams in agony, and his heart can hardly beat with the pressure of it all.
the holiness of the Father's face begins to change, and anger starts to come out. the son sees the Father begin to turn, to turn His back on His own son. "Father! I love You! Why do You do this to me?" his mind screams out. but he knows it must be done. the anger becomes stronger mixed with wrath, and a ripping feeling. the feeling of having his Father's Spirit removed from him. God was turning His back on him, taking His presence from him, leaving him completely alone to feel the full wrath for the wrongs of the world.
tears stream down his face, and the Father is filled with sadness, knowing that all His wrath and anger must fall upon His own son. "I love you son, and I love them!" "i love You Father, and i love them!" and it was unleashed. there is no way to describe how this man felt. his own Father, his own being, the One who was always there to listen and help, who showed love and mercy and gave blessings, took it all away. turned away. alienated Himself from His son . . . from Himself. the saddest moment time would ever know was happening, and it was fierce.
"it is finished!" said the man, and he hung is head. and God cried out.~
the crowd was now focused on the man in the middle. you strain to hear his words, trying to understand what is going through this man's mind in his dying moments, if there was some bit of wisdom he yet might have. you hear the words, "it is finished," and saw the man's head drop. and then it felt like the world might end.
the stillness in the air was suddenly gone, filled with a horrible static, not that it could be seen but rather felt, and it felt bad. the ground began to shake and roar, like it was crying out in pain and sorrow. the black sky shows no signs of hope despite the fact that it is the middle of the afternoon. the whole world is writhing in some horrible pain and sadness. rocks around you crack and crumble. you imagine buildings in the city crumbling and crashing, and then it stills.
nearby a soldier gets back up and stares at the man on the cross, Jesus. "this man surely was God's son, just as He claimed." it hits you like bolt of lightning. it was more than you could have hoped for, the son of God told you that he loved you. it makes sense, except it doesn't. you see now his love and joy for each person, how he got into your mind. but why die? that made no sense.
you run towards the front of the crowd to find a man and women that Jesus was talking to earlier. frantically you search and finally find them. crying they listen to you tell them your experience, and they tell you to go. that it isn't safe, that the soldiers might come for you and them next. "but i need to talk to you!" you say anxiously filled with sadness. they tell you meet them at someone's house later that night. thankful you say your goodbyes and slip away, not sure who they even were. thankful that when you get a chance to talk, you hope to clear up some of the confusion that is now tormenting you.
pain (part 3)
you find yourself pushed through a doorway, fighting to get outside and see what happens next. the crowd slows as soldiers begin to form two walls on each side of a path. the crowd begins to swell on either side of the wall, talking amongst themselves, anxiously awaiting their criminal.
a few soldiers emerge from a door followed by the man, Jesus, beaten, bloody, and carrying a rough wooden cross. you cringe and gag at the sight. that poor man, this crowd's criminal, bends under the weight and pain of the cross, wooden edges and splinters biting and digging into his already assaulted back, into the open wounds. blood drips from his back, creating slow streams of drying redness along his body. blood drips from his head as a twisted crown of thorns bites into his skin. blood drips from his feet as the rocks he walks on cut and rip his flesh. sweat and dust cover the blood, and the pain in his face cannot be described.
the tears continue to flow from his face, and the tears again begin to flow from yours. "this man knows me," you think. you try to find a better vantage point, a chance to get closer, to catch his eye again, to feel again the love he has even through the pain you both have.
circling around part of the crowd you hear the screams, taunts, and laughter hurled from their lips. suddenly you hear the snapping of a whip and you look back to see Jesus on the ground, collapsed under the weight of his burden, soldiers, lashing out and kicking him to get up. a man is grabbed from the crowd to carry the cross for him, and the terror on this man's face does not escape you.
after many more painful steps, the crowd and condemned reach a place that, as you've learned, is called the skull. the place where criminals are killed. your tears have finally stopped, not because you feel better, but because you can't cry anymore. somehow, the tears of Jesus have not. you watch as one by one, the soldiers drive massive spikes through the hands and feet of two other men, and then come to Jesus.
you hope above all hopes that this is just a dream, that you'll wake up and this will all be gone. that someone will coming running up, saying there was a mistake, this man is innocent, let him go. that something should happen, someone should do something to make it all go away. then he looks up at you and your eyes meet.
~every horrible feeling and emotion a person could have tears through his body. white intense pain fills his mind as the first swing of the hammer drives the nail. he looks back at this person in the crowd, the same one he saw earlier, standing there. "i love you," flashes through his mind, and seems to seep from his body. his vision is beginning to blur from the loss of blood and mutilation he recieved just earlier. "i love you," comes again.
he turns and looks at the soldier bringing back the hammer, and for a moment their eyes meet, and for a moment he hesitates, and a slight mist fills the soldiers eyes. then with a twist and sadness in his face he brings the hammer down. Jesus sees all of that soldiers offences, his guilt, his sadness, his pain, and arches from it all.
he looks over the crowd, and a suffocating presence begins to creep over his skin. it is coming. he is unaware of the other nails driven through him, assaulted more by the pain and sadness, guilt and evil that is starting to dig into his being.
suddenly he is floating, being lifted upwards by the soldiers, and put in place between the other two men. the crossing falling into place sends a jolt of pain from each nail bringing him back to the reality of this world, and the crowd before him.~
you stare up at this man, wanting to shout out that you are here. but what good would it be? he's a dead man. through the crowds taunts and jeers you stare and shudder in a tearless cry. your eyes sting with dryness and you can't tell if the sky is really getting darker, or if your vision is just going. but you can't leave. you need a loving embrace, one to take you away from all this. you can't do it on your own. you look back at that man on the cross and wish he could hug you, tell you it will be alright. his arms are stretched out as if ready for a hug, and your hands rise slightly desiring his embrace. but it won't come. he's there, nailed brutally to that piece of wood, with the crowd rejoicing at his pain. it makes no sense at all. you wish you could understand.
a few soldiers emerge from a door followed by the man, Jesus, beaten, bloody, and carrying a rough wooden cross. you cringe and gag at the sight. that poor man, this crowd's criminal, bends under the weight and pain of the cross, wooden edges and splinters biting and digging into his already assaulted back, into the open wounds. blood drips from his back, creating slow streams of drying redness along his body. blood drips from his head as a twisted crown of thorns bites into his skin. blood drips from his feet as the rocks he walks on cut and rip his flesh. sweat and dust cover the blood, and the pain in his face cannot be described.
the tears continue to flow from his face, and the tears again begin to flow from yours. "this man knows me," you think. you try to find a better vantage point, a chance to get closer, to catch his eye again, to feel again the love he has even through the pain you both have.
circling around part of the crowd you hear the screams, taunts, and laughter hurled from their lips. suddenly you hear the snapping of a whip and you look back to see Jesus on the ground, collapsed under the weight of his burden, soldiers, lashing out and kicking him to get up. a man is grabbed from the crowd to carry the cross for him, and the terror on this man's face does not escape you.
after many more painful steps, the crowd and condemned reach a place that, as you've learned, is called the skull. the place where criminals are killed. your tears have finally stopped, not because you feel better, but because you can't cry anymore. somehow, the tears of Jesus have not. you watch as one by one, the soldiers drive massive spikes through the hands and feet of two other men, and then come to Jesus.
you hope above all hopes that this is just a dream, that you'll wake up and this will all be gone. that someone will coming running up, saying there was a mistake, this man is innocent, let him go. that something should happen, someone should do something to make it all go away. then he looks up at you and your eyes meet.
~every horrible feeling and emotion a person could have tears through his body. white intense pain fills his mind as the first swing of the hammer drives the nail. he looks back at this person in the crowd, the same one he saw earlier, standing there. "i love you," flashes through his mind, and seems to seep from his body. his vision is beginning to blur from the loss of blood and mutilation he recieved just earlier. "i love you," comes again.
he turns and looks at the soldier bringing back the hammer, and for a moment their eyes meet, and for a moment he hesitates, and a slight mist fills the soldiers eyes. then with a twist and sadness in his face he brings the hammer down. Jesus sees all of that soldiers offences, his guilt, his sadness, his pain, and arches from it all.
he looks over the crowd, and a suffocating presence begins to creep over his skin. it is coming. he is unaware of the other nails driven through him, assaulted more by the pain and sadness, guilt and evil that is starting to dig into his being.
suddenly he is floating, being lifted upwards by the soldiers, and put in place between the other two men. the crossing falling into place sends a jolt of pain from each nail bringing him back to the reality of this world, and the crowd before him.~
you stare up at this man, wanting to shout out that you are here. but what good would it be? he's a dead man. through the crowds taunts and jeers you stare and shudder in a tearless cry. your eyes sting with dryness and you can't tell if the sky is really getting darker, or if your vision is just going. but you can't leave. you need a loving embrace, one to take you away from all this. you can't do it on your own. you look back at that man on the cross and wish he could hug you, tell you it will be alright. his arms are stretched out as if ready for a hug, and your hands rise slightly desiring his embrace. but it won't come. he's there, nailed brutally to that piece of wood, with the crowd rejoicing at his pain. it makes no sense at all. you wish you could understand.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
blood (part 2)
the man cringes and grimaces as the tools of torture bite at him again. the crowd roars at each crack of the flog, drowning out the cries of this man, this criminal tied to the center post. blood has just started to pool under him, and you begin to wonder how long this will go on.
~a mix of emotions welled up in you as the crowd gathered in the praetorium, the place where criminals are punished, this place that brings blood, pain, and torture. you don't even know why you are there, but you are, drawn by an inner desire to see what is going to happen and a seemingly outer force guiding you to this place. people found places to stand, crouch, sit, and climb all to get a better view of the abuse that was about to follow. the criminal was already tied to a post for all to see and the punishers were picking their insturments of pain. stipped of his clothes he clung to the post, head down in an agonized look.
a hush crept through the crowd as a soldier walked up behind this man and brought back some nasty looking device, a handle with multiple whip-like strands coming from it, and each strand had what looked like a hook on the end of it, like the lethal claws of a lion or tiger. and then it fell, or rather was hurled fiercly into the man's back.
after three or four more attacks the crowd began to cheer, chant, shout, scream for joy, simply roar in extasy with each snap of the whip. the first few times you flinched and closed your eyes, then you watched in disbelief that the crowd would enjoy this. "what has this man done so wrong that these people are so happy to watch this brutality?" you mumble to yourself.
a man close to you must have heard and turned to answer. "this man claims to be the messiah, the king of the jews. he is a blasphemer, a liar, he has committed the highest treason against the almighty God, defying our laws and costums. he claimed to be the son of God, but look, he bleeds, God can't bleed!" you glanced back and saw red streams beginning to form down his sides and back as another person turned to tell you more. "his name is Jesus, he's the peasant son of a dead carpenter from nazareth. i guess his mother and brothers are around somewhere. i heard that his mother was pregnant with him before she was married." ~
that was moments ago when it all began. looking to your left you see a women searching to crowd and finding two young children that she grabs and turns to leave. a man, apparently her husband, turns to say something at her pointing to the children, she yells something back then turns with the children and leaves. just as she is out the door three slightly older children sneak in see for themselves what the adults are acting childishly about.
you turn back to the man and see that he is now slumped to the ground, hands still tied to the post, layin in a pool of his blood and bits of his body. and he looks over at you. through the blood and hair his eyes find yours and, for a moment, it seems that you can read each others thoughts, but a moment is all it takes.
~the man looks up into the crowd and catches the eyes of someone staring back. the fists and roars of the crowd fade away as he sees into the eyes of this spectator, and a connection is made. "i love you." the man says in his mind. the pain is starting to dull as his body begins to slide into shock, and each devastataing whip is not quite as bad as the last, but at the same time worse. suddenly the man's vision explodes in a world of white searing pain, worse than any he felt before. not from the pain of the flog, but from all the sadness, bitterness, anger, guilt, and all the other horrible emotions he sees and feels in the person staring back at him. "i feel your pain," this man, the Jesus, thinks of the spectator in the crowd.
another snap of the whip and a cry comes from his mouth as he sees the hurt this person endured. "i love you." Jesus thinks again. the whip cracks again and this time he more than thinks it. "I LOVE YOU!" is screamed out, drowned out to the ears of the crowd. the whip flies out again and he feels the hooks find something solid in him, and pull him horribly to the side as the soldier yanks it free. an odd snapping and popping sound reaches his ears as splinters of bone fly free, and the pain and anguish of that spectators guilt and offences rip through his body, causing more pain than the flog ever could. and the tears begin to fall.~
"what was that he said?" you think. "was that agape (pronounced a-gop-ay) i heard? was he saying he loved me?" confusion sweeps through you from the past moment as this man's thoughts seemed to invade your own. agape is not a word you heard often. it's the purist and holiest form of love, the kind of love that does not judge you, that is always there for you, that always gives, that keeps no record of wrongs. the love attributed to a loving God.
"this man knows me," you think. "he knows what i've done, but he loves me?! he agapes me! who could he be to say such a thing? could he be telling the truth about who he is? or is he some man who's only crime was he lied, or is crazy?!" a tear begins to from in your left eye as you realize that the thoughts this man got into you were not random, but real. "he loves me." the thought causes you to cringe. you are no perfect person. far from it. and he knows everything. you saw it all in a flash from his mind. the tears now start coming stronger.
the crowd begins to quiet and you look up to see that the whipping has stopped. the flogs have been laid aside and the soldiers have released the hands of this man, this Jesus. just thinking the names sends a shiver through you. joy and sadness run through your body to your fingertips and beyond it seems, only adding to the confusion. the soldiers lift him to his feet and begin to force him to another door.
you were connected to this man. you can't leave him now. with tears in your eyes you push along with the crowd to see what happens next, as if your whole life, past, present, and future depends on him. as if your whole destiny hinges on this outcome, but you don't know what outcome to hope for. you don't know what is supposed to happen to take it all away, to make things right. but you have to go. so through the tears you make out the doorway and push forward.
~a mix of emotions welled up in you as the crowd gathered in the praetorium, the place where criminals are punished, this place that brings blood, pain, and torture. you don't even know why you are there, but you are, drawn by an inner desire to see what is going to happen and a seemingly outer force guiding you to this place. people found places to stand, crouch, sit, and climb all to get a better view of the abuse that was about to follow. the criminal was already tied to a post for all to see and the punishers were picking their insturments of pain. stipped of his clothes he clung to the post, head down in an agonized look.
a hush crept through the crowd as a soldier walked up behind this man and brought back some nasty looking device, a handle with multiple whip-like strands coming from it, and each strand had what looked like a hook on the end of it, like the lethal claws of a lion or tiger. and then it fell, or rather was hurled fiercly into the man's back.
after three or four more attacks the crowd began to cheer, chant, shout, scream for joy, simply roar in extasy with each snap of the whip. the first few times you flinched and closed your eyes, then you watched in disbelief that the crowd would enjoy this. "what has this man done so wrong that these people are so happy to watch this brutality?" you mumble to yourself.
a man close to you must have heard and turned to answer. "this man claims to be the messiah, the king of the jews. he is a blasphemer, a liar, he has committed the highest treason against the almighty God, defying our laws and costums. he claimed to be the son of God, but look, he bleeds, God can't bleed!" you glanced back and saw red streams beginning to form down his sides and back as another person turned to tell you more. "his name is Jesus, he's the peasant son of a dead carpenter from nazareth. i guess his mother and brothers are around somewhere. i heard that his mother was pregnant with him before she was married." ~
that was moments ago when it all began. looking to your left you see a women searching to crowd and finding two young children that she grabs and turns to leave. a man, apparently her husband, turns to say something at her pointing to the children, she yells something back then turns with the children and leaves. just as she is out the door three slightly older children sneak in see for themselves what the adults are acting childishly about.
you turn back to the man and see that he is now slumped to the ground, hands still tied to the post, layin in a pool of his blood and bits of his body. and he looks over at you. through the blood and hair his eyes find yours and, for a moment, it seems that you can read each others thoughts, but a moment is all it takes.
~the man looks up into the crowd and catches the eyes of someone staring back. the fists and roars of the crowd fade away as he sees into the eyes of this spectator, and a connection is made. "i love you." the man says in his mind. the pain is starting to dull as his body begins to slide into shock, and each devastataing whip is not quite as bad as the last, but at the same time worse. suddenly the man's vision explodes in a world of white searing pain, worse than any he felt before. not from the pain of the flog, but from all the sadness, bitterness, anger, guilt, and all the other horrible emotions he sees and feels in the person staring back at him. "i feel your pain," this man, the Jesus, thinks of the spectator in the crowd.
another snap of the whip and a cry comes from his mouth as he sees the hurt this person endured. "i love you." Jesus thinks again. the whip cracks again and this time he more than thinks it. "I LOVE YOU!" is screamed out, drowned out to the ears of the crowd. the whip flies out again and he feels the hooks find something solid in him, and pull him horribly to the side as the soldier yanks it free. an odd snapping and popping sound reaches his ears as splinters of bone fly free, and the pain and anguish of that spectators guilt and offences rip through his body, causing more pain than the flog ever could. and the tears begin to fall.~
"what was that he said?" you think. "was that agape (pronounced a-gop-ay) i heard? was he saying he loved me?" confusion sweeps through you from the past moment as this man's thoughts seemed to invade your own. agape is not a word you heard often. it's the purist and holiest form of love, the kind of love that does not judge you, that is always there for you, that always gives, that keeps no record of wrongs. the love attributed to a loving God.
"this man knows me," you think. "he knows what i've done, but he loves me?! he agapes me! who could he be to say such a thing? could he be telling the truth about who he is? or is he some man who's only crime was he lied, or is crazy?!" a tear begins to from in your left eye as you realize that the thoughts this man got into you were not random, but real. "he loves me." the thought causes you to cringe. you are no perfect person. far from it. and he knows everything. you saw it all in a flash from his mind. the tears now start coming stronger.
the crowd begins to quiet and you look up to see that the whipping has stopped. the flogs have been laid aside and the soldiers have released the hands of this man, this Jesus. just thinking the names sends a shiver through you. joy and sadness run through your body to your fingertips and beyond it seems, only adding to the confusion. the soldiers lift him to his feet and begin to force him to another door.
you were connected to this man. you can't leave him now. with tears in your eyes you push along with the crowd to see what happens next, as if your whole life, past, present, and future depends on him. as if your whole destiny hinges on this outcome, but you don't know what outcome to hope for. you don't know what is supposed to happen to take it all away, to make things right. but you have to go. so through the tears you make out the doorway and push forward.
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
so it begins (part 1)
i would say to close your eyes for this, but it would defeat the purpose then of reading, but open your minds eye, and let yourself be caught up in the wonder of it all.
~you are walking down the street, glancing at many of the stands set up along the markets. you are amazed at many of the newest items the vendors are trying to sell. but of course you'd expect that. you're in a major city of the roman empire, and their culture has been bringing major advances to this previously slower lifestyle.
you wanted to walk through and soak up some of the local life during the major festival of passover, but felt strangely out of place. it seemed to be a family thing and well, you have no family here. it turned into a rather boring evening and sleep was the only thing that brought joy at the time. but walking this morning has brought no more entertainment. the streets are oddly empty and the vendors seem annoyed and anxious at the same time.
a large pendant help up by a ringed gold necklace catches your eye and picking it up you feel the smoothness of it in your hand. the color is amazing and your mind wanders to thoughts of it as a gift for your mother. "how much?" you ask the vendor who wasn't paying attention and jumps at your question. "huh? oh, that? more than you can probably afford." it was then that you realize that you are standing at a booth of extremely expensive jewelry. most of the items here likely cost more than you made in a year, and somethings more than in a lifetime.
uncomfortably you ask where everyone is, that you would have expected to see more people around. "somebody was arrested late last night and he's standing trial now. just listen for the loud roar of people and you'll find it. i am not sure what the big fuss is about, really bad for business." he obviously didn't want to talk anymore so you begin to wander off, listening for some people. "maybe this won't be as boring as i thought," you think to yourself as you turn down another street.
a few blocks later you hear the roar of a crowd, but can't make out what they are shouting. turning another corner you see it all. an absolutely massive crowd of people as big as a field, fists in the air, chanting "crucify! crucify! CRUCIFY!" you look to the balcony and see a prestigious looking man washing his hands in a bowl and another man looking so dejected standing next to him being lead away.
the crowd began to move in unison, pushing a shoving to get somewhere, but the seemed to be going the same way. "where's everyone going?" you ask. "the praetorium," someone said. "the what?" you reply? "the place where they punish criminals," another man said. you follow the crowd for a few moments then freeze as it all clears in you mind. people behind you start pushing harder and you begin walking again, but you realize there will be blood, pain, and torture where they are going. but caught up in the crowd and in curiosity you move with the flow, wondering what this is all about, and why it has to be this way.
~you are walking down the street, glancing at many of the stands set up along the markets. you are amazed at many of the newest items the vendors are trying to sell. but of course you'd expect that. you're in a major city of the roman empire, and their culture has been bringing major advances to this previously slower lifestyle.
you wanted to walk through and soak up some of the local life during the major festival of passover, but felt strangely out of place. it seemed to be a family thing and well, you have no family here. it turned into a rather boring evening and sleep was the only thing that brought joy at the time. but walking this morning has brought no more entertainment. the streets are oddly empty and the vendors seem annoyed and anxious at the same time.
a large pendant help up by a ringed gold necklace catches your eye and picking it up you feel the smoothness of it in your hand. the color is amazing and your mind wanders to thoughts of it as a gift for your mother. "how much?" you ask the vendor who wasn't paying attention and jumps at your question. "huh? oh, that? more than you can probably afford." it was then that you realize that you are standing at a booth of extremely expensive jewelry. most of the items here likely cost more than you made in a year, and somethings more than in a lifetime.
uncomfortably you ask where everyone is, that you would have expected to see more people around. "somebody was arrested late last night and he's standing trial now. just listen for the loud roar of people and you'll find it. i am not sure what the big fuss is about, really bad for business." he obviously didn't want to talk anymore so you begin to wander off, listening for some people. "maybe this won't be as boring as i thought," you think to yourself as you turn down another street.
a few blocks later you hear the roar of a crowd, but can't make out what they are shouting. turning another corner you see it all. an absolutely massive crowd of people as big as a field, fists in the air, chanting "crucify! crucify! CRUCIFY!" you look to the balcony and see a prestigious looking man washing his hands in a bowl and another man looking so dejected standing next to him being lead away.
the crowd began to move in unison, pushing a shoving to get somewhere, but the seemed to be going the same way. "where's everyone going?" you ask. "the praetorium," someone said. "the what?" you reply? "the place where they punish criminals," another man said. you follow the crowd for a few moments then freeze as it all clears in you mind. people behind you start pushing harder and you begin walking again, but you realize there will be blood, pain, and torture where they are going. but caught up in the crowd and in curiosity you move with the flow, wondering what this is all about, and why it has to be this way.
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